Knowing when it was time to Quit

"You can't argue with a sick mind."

 - Joe Walsh

It's been said before, and it will be said again. If the alcoholic or addict doesn't think they have an addiction problem, they don't.  All the other problems can be "reasoned away" until the tortured soul becomes honest with himself.

If we can't pay the rent, it's due to not getting enough hours at work or that promotion. 

It can't be because we're cranky and un-reliable! 

If our spouse says we're ignoring them because we're spending to much time drinking or drugging. The spouse is being un-reasonable.  After all, we've "earned the right" to drink after work.

It can't be because we're buzzed every single night!

If our car or house needs repairs, they can wait, because the money is better spent on booze or drugs. 

It can't be due to our lack of planing that things broke!

One of the key turning points for me was seeing people sober, and thinking that they were lucky because they were sober, and going to be sober later on in the day.  

DOH! 

I'm doing this getting drunk thing to myself. OMG, I've got a problem!  I was on my way to becoming honest with myself.  I still argued with the committee* about drinking for about another 6 months, if I recall correctly. But it was right around the 6 month period that I met someone that was in the program and found sobriety. 

And for that. I'm eternally grateful. 

*committee = talking to one's self, or the voices in our heads.

"Crawling in my Skin"

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
                                 -Linkin Park

I think everyone has experienced to some degree Depersonalization disorder, of going through life without really experiencing it. Feeling like an automaton, living life as if we're in a out of body experience.

If you've been an a alcoholic or addict, you might have even been trying to disconnect from the real world to try and cope with the pain and reality of life by using drugs or alcohol.

Sometimes we're not even clear on what it is about life that we don't like, and what we're trying to get away from.  We've got a good job and family, yet we're still disconnected. Other times the cause of the pain is pretty clear.

I can only pray that others that are still crawling in their skin with wounds that will not heal can find a path to a better way.

Those of us in recovery have found a path to relieve our suffering. We're no better then those that are still in pain. But we have found that the support and friendships that we've built through a 12 step program, and/or just seeking our higher power and turning our problems over to him is a better saner way.

Today, If I run across someone that is "crawling in their skin", I can only offer them what I've learned. It's up to them to go from there.

Dreams I'll never See

Just one more morning, I had to wake up with the blues,
Pulled myself outta bed, yeah, put on my walking shoes.
Went up on the mountain to see what I could see,
the whole world was falling right down in front of me.

Cause I'm hung up on dreams I'll never see, yeah baby.
Ahh, help me baby, or this will surely be the end of me, yeah.
- Allman Brothers

The future is unpredictable. We don't know what our lives will like in 10 years time. Think back 10-15 years, and did you think you'd be where you are now?  I certainly didn't think I'd be living where I am, doing what I'm doing, and be Sober.

I've been watching some Ted Talk Video's. In these particular videos Ken Robinson talks about how our education system kills creativity. I think he's right. The education system is setup in industrial cookie cutter fashion to create more professors. We're not all cut out to be professors, are we?  Might it have led to some of the problems as to why many of us felt isolated?  I think so.

One of the nice things about being clean and sober is that we now have the time to pursue some of more creative and worthwhile things in life. We now have the time to be put our creative talents back to work, and to start pursuing forgotten dreams that we might have left behind in a bottle.

We don't have to let our dreams be the end of us.

Alpha Male With the Breath of a Dragon

Un-employment sucks. Especially when you lost your identity of who you are with what you used to do.

I recall there was a job interview (years ago) that I went to, that had me so stressed out that I couldn't settle my nerves. I was obsessing on the unpaid mortgage, the bills, the fact that I so DESPERATELY needed this job, not just for the money, but to help get my identity back. 

I needed to be a MAN, THE MAN, the Bread Winner, the alpha male that could bring home the catch of the day, and plop it down in front of his wife, to be praised by said wife of what a fine job I had done hunting down this wondrous meal for the whole tribe. We would sing and dance around the campfire of our kitchen stove and I would shine as the crowned king of the household. Oh it would be glorious! 

But I drank. It didn't matter that I had gone to a similar interview with the same questions, a couple months past. It didn't matter, that I answered all of the questions, and did the hands on tests with flying colors. That didn't matter. They didn't want me. 

I had drank until the wee hours of the morning, obsessing over the job. I was hung over, had the breath of a dragon with the vacant blood shot eyes of a vampire. I was unhireable. 

Thankfully I'm sober today. It took years of self depreciation to figure out that I was my biggest problem. I still am. But I've learned how to like and be honest with myself. I have become more comfortable in my own skin. I'm far from perfect. But with the help of my friends in AA, and seeking a higher power, I have found a better path to travel. 

Grateful Today

Even with a fruitless job hunt / and interview process in my life, I'm grateful to have a job. It might not be the one I want, but it pays the bills, and the boss seems to try and do the right thing. 

With the huge unemployment rate, I Am thankful for what I have.  Good health, a decent boss, decent landlords, and a loving spouse.

Alive and Kicking.

I know it's been some time since I've posted here, but I decided to take a step back from blogging, or trying to blog, and then beating myself up for not doing it.

Part of recovery is learning what we need to do, for our own sanity.

Not anyone else's.

Yes, I still like the idea of blogging, and might come back to do some more on this site, I still enjoy doing a good blog post.

P.S. I hope everyone had a good holiday season.

Randy