I recall there was a job interview (years ago) that I went to, that had me so stressed out that I couldn't settle my nerves. I was obsessing on the unpaid mortgage, the bills, the fact that I so DESPERATELY needed this job, not just for the money, but to help get my identity back.
I needed to be a MAN, THE MAN, the Bread Winner, the alpha male that could bring home the catch of the day, and plop it down in front of his wife, to be praised by said wife of what a fine job I had done hunting down this wondrous meal for the whole tribe. We would sing and dance around the campfire of our kitchen stove and I would shine as the crowned king of the household. Oh it would be glorious!
But I drank. It didn't matter that I had gone to a similar interview with the same questions, a couple months past. It didn't matter, that I answered all of the questions, and did the hands on tests with flying colors. That didn't matter. They didn't want me.
I had drank until the wee hours of the morning, obsessing over the job. I was hung over, had the breath of a dragon with the vacant blood shot eyes of a vampire. I was unhireable.
Thankfully I'm sober today. It took years of self depreciation to figure out that I was my biggest problem. I still am. But I've learned how to like and be honest with myself. I have become more comfortable in my own skin. I'm far from perfect. But with the help of my friends in AA, and seeking a higher power, I have found a better path to travel.
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